Loss

“I tried so hard to make you happy. Why wasn’t it enough"?”

“I waited for you to come home each night. I kept thinking you would. But you never did. So I stopped waiting.”

These are the words which continue to haunt me and which are filled with heartbreak.

It has gotten better with time, but every once in a while these words and memories flash before me and I am reminded of how sad grief can be, of what the heartbreak of loss can feel like when you’ve played an irrevocable part in it.

Grief and Love

Prior to my experience with loss, I had thought I had known everything there simply was to know about love. I know that sounds a bit arrogant, but it is true. At the time, I was in my late twenties. I had a happy marriage — someone I loved and who loved me. I was content, secure, fulfilled. We had many good times and memories, just as we also had fights here and there, like any other couple. Thoughts of him were always in my future; like breathing air, it was just a given. This was love.

Interestingly, I used to joke with him that if he died, I wouldnt know what to do with myself and that I’d have to die too. I said this as a joke as I was self aware enough to know that it was not quite appropriate to say with all seriousness, and yet as I reflect on this, I was serious in many ways as somewhere deep inside, I really wasnt sure how I would go on without him. The real joke I guess was that I never really thought it would come to pass.

l lost him quite suddenly and unexpectedly. Everything I knew, all crumbled around me. It was hard not just to lose him but also life as I knew it. The humor, how he would sit at the couch, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, his kindness, his blue car in the driveway, the way he’d joke and play videogames while eating cereal with water (not milk because water was cheaper and the apocalypse could always come). All of this and more, this life, this love, everything I had known to be true, all gone, all crushed. No more.

I couldnt help but feel that it was all my fault. In some ways it was and in some ways it wasnt. All I can say is that life is tragic sometimes and much more complicated than any of us can really comprehend. To lose someone you love and to think to all the times you had wished you had just done this, or said that instead, or if only you hadnt gone over here, or if only you had realized sooner that the most important thing in your life while you were annoyed at the waiter for bringing the wrong dish to your table, was this moment here with the person you loved. This moment, the only moment that really exists. That life was never about any of the other stuff at all, all the stuff I thought was so pressing, none of it had actually mattered.

Grief taught me that life is fleeting.

It taught me that a lot of the things I had thought mattered, never did.

It taught me to appreciate people while they are here in your life.

It taught me to be more present.

It taught me to take risks.

That you think you know everything but in reality you may know nothing.

It taught me that I could lose everything and still survive. And that the part of me that survived was the best part of me, as all the rest of me died; only the best part of me could make it through.

That it was never about the big milestones but actually the small moments in life, like the way his hand felt in mine, his coat in the closet.

It taught me that everything is impermanent. Not in a bad way, but in a way that makes me feel grateful for the simple things.

It taught me to notice the small things.

It taught me that love doesn’t have to end.

It taught me that love forgives, not only the person but also yourself. That it hopes. That it longs. That it perseveres. That its okay if it perseveres. That it expands you. That it is safe to love as it is one of our greatest gifts as a human, which is to experience and express it. That love takes courage. That it is brave. That love connects. That love is related to joy. That joy is something felt that seems to go much deeper than happiness. That love can know sorrow. That sorrow can give way to hope. And that there is no shame in any of this because this is really what it means to be human, this is really what it means to love. To know darkness but to also know light. To know hard times but to also know good. To experience sadness but to continue loving, hoping, persisting, trusting that one day it will all make sense, that one day you will be okay again. To bring this love with you wherever you go so that it is felt by the person across from you, even if you dont know them. That grief breaks your heart open and that it will be okay.

Grief As a Sign of Love

Sometimes I close my eyes, and I’m there again, in the apartment we once shared. The room is small, with wood floors, a white couch, and books neatly arranged along the shelves. The air is still. It’s just me there, and I can feel the beat of my heart, hear the sound of my breath.

It’s times like these that I realize that grief never really ends. For me, grief has been like a tide, ebbing and flowing — sometimes with greater and lesser frequency, but always there, always returning.

In these moments, I remind myself that it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to feel sad and to remember the things that once were. Grief is a sign of love. And at the end of it all, what are we meant to do in this life if but to love, to grow in it and in spirit?

In moments like this, I’m also reminded that some bonds are hard to break, even across time and space. Loved ones are with us in different ways. Sometimes this fact can be painful as we consider our loss, but on the other side of this emotion, perhaps there is also a comfort that we still remember, that we still love.

If you enjoyed this post, you might also find my book, Grieving the Loss of a Love: How to Embrace Grief to Find True Hope and Healing After a Divorce, Breakup, or Death helpful.