Gratitude and Growth as a Journey

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flowers

There was a moment early in my recovery in which I looked into Simon's eyes and felt so much unconditional love that I was moved to tears. They were tears of gratitude -- gratitude for the entire journey of my life to that moment in time, for all the joys and good things that had happened, but also the bad -- the things that hadn't gone right, the sadness and sorrows. I felt somehow I was exactly where I needed to be. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for making it to this moment, gratitude for the light that had carried me through to this life ahead.

Wherever you are, know that you are exactly where you need to be. There is something in life greater than ourselves, guiding us, pulling us forward. There is a road ahead. One day all this pain and heartbreak will connect, and we will be whole again, becoming all we were meant to be.

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Loss
Grief and Love
Grief and Faith
Grief and Faith

This year, I am experimenting with an aspect of my life, which is faith. I’ve always felt a strong calling to write but been very afraid to really pursue it. When I examine this fear, I’m not sure what it’s really about. Perhaps it’s that I’m afraid my writing won’t result in anything, that it wouldn’t actually mean anything, or perhaps I’m afraid of facing myself.

Running, Walking, Hiding, and Finally, Facing Grief
Running, Walking, Hiding, and Finally, Facing Grief

A depression came on very suddenly. Perhaps it is this time of year with the holidays and constant travel — the grayness and limited sunlight of it all. Or perhaps it is that this time of year reminds me so much of Brian.

Thank you + Happy New Year + New Project
Writing, light, and hope
Writing, light, and hope

I remember why I first started to write. I was around 14 or so. It helped me make sense of myself back then. It was lonely growing up in that house. I was kind of a black sheep. Moody, depressed, and irritable. Back then emotions were felt and difficult to put into words. Over time I’ve found the words, but the original emotion sometimes becomes harder to find — lost, forgotten.

Grief and Lucid Dreaming
Grief and Lucid Dreaming

A few months ago, I became interested in lucid dreaming. Lucid dreaming is essentially where you ‘wake up’ in your dreams and become aware that you are dreaming. With this awareness, you gain the ability to affect what happens within your dreams. The more you practice this ability, the more you are able to shape the nature of your dreams.

Grief and Difficult Days
Grief and Difficult Days

Some days are really hard.

This is one of those days.

Today came out of the blue, unexpectedly, for no reason really.

Letting Go of Grief
Letting Go of Grief

Something strange happened to my grief, something that has been difficult to write about.

It faded.

I feel it much less these days.

I know it is a natural course of the grieving process, but it feels strange nonetheless.

Grief and Fear
Grief and Fear

n the beginning of my journey with grief, it was like a thick fog that went with me everywhere. It felt like I was a world away, living in a different realm, barely hanging on to this one.

However over time, the grief has lessened. My feelings about this have been mixed. On one hand, it is healthy and natural for grief to lessen. On the other, it feels a bit odd to live without feeling grief so intensely. Some days it feels as if a new person has emerged. And I must admit that I miss the grief that I once felt so deeply, as it was also so much tied with memories of the person I lost.