Grief and Fear
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In the beginning of my journey with grief, it was like a thick fog that went with me everywhere. It felt like I was a world away, living in a different realm, barely hanging on to this one.
However over time, the grief has lessened. My feelings about this have been mixed. On one hand, it is healthy and natural for grief to lessen. On the other, it feels a bit odd to live without feeling grief so intensely. Some days it feels as if a new person has emerged. And I must admit that I miss the grief that I once felt so deeply, as it was also so much tied with memories of the person I lost.
A significant event occurred in lessening my grief: I read a book called Return to Love. In the book, the author says that life is all about love. We think that life is all about fear and we make actions toward fear — we need money, we need status, we need power and jobs and to protect ourselves. However, in every action we take, we can essentially make it out of either 1) love or 2) fear. She argues that fear is an illusion and the only real thing in life is love. And that to move toward love is the ultimate point in life, for us to grow in love. She said to look back on your life and to try to see all the love that was there, not the fear. To let go of all of the fear, and to just see all the memories of love.
This passage in the book really affected me and I decided to give myself permission to let go of all the events and sad memories that were haunting me, aspects of my grief that were overwhelming. I was surprised to find that some of my grief was lingering due to fear: I was afraid that letting go of my grief would also mean letting go of the memories of the person I loved. I was afraid that letting go of the grief would mean I would forget his memory and its significance in my life. Although some of these memories were deeply painful, I felt that by keeping them fresh, I was also keeping his memory fresh and alive in my life. Fear was keeping my grief here. Would I move toward love or would I move toward fear, with regard to my grief?
I decided to move toward love, even if this meant giving my grief permission to give me some space. I learned to rest and settle in how I felt. It did not mean pushing the grief away or to protect myself from it. It meant resting in the awareness of love. This gave me another form of connection, one purely of love.
What I have discovered from this experiment is that although my memories of him are no longer as intense, at the same time, my memories filled with sorrow are no longer as powerful or vivid. This has cleared way for the happiness and love that was there. It has created more room for me to live freely in these loving aspects of my grief each day. Grief is present, but it has a peaceful quality to it, and one of acceptance. And I feel there is much more love within me to give.
Can you relate to these feelings of fear or love? What has your journey with grief been like over time?
Thank you for reading.
Dear readers — thank you for reading this post. it means so much to me. If you enjoyed it, I invite you to connect with me through the comments below and to share the post with someone who you think might also find it helpful in living with grief. You might also find my book, Grieving the Loss of a Love: How to Embrace Grief to Find True Hope and Healing After a Divorce, Breakup, or Death helpful to read or to pass along to others. Thank you again.
