New Beginnings

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This is going to sound strange, but sometimes it helps to think of my past life and my past self as dead. They are no more. I am not the same person. I am now living a different life. For me to think of my past self still alive today with the unimaginable having occurred is too much to process some days. For me to be here now and to walk around the corner and to almost expect things as they once were is too painful.

So it helps to think of my past self as dead. That life is no longer. I’m in a different life now, a new life. It doesn’t mean the past never happened, it did. It doesn’t mean that my new life overrides my old one — it never could. But it does mean that things will never be the same again. And it does mean that my old life is gone.

I don’t mean this in a defeated way, but in an accepting way, a way that helps me process what happened at the same time I am able to grieve. As time has passed, I miss my old life on some days but not others and the feeling has faded over time. But sometimes it does come back and I feel the weight of what was lost. I don’t think I would have it any other way though. Somehow with the pain of loss, life seems to carry more significance than ever before.

In this new life, I’m not afraid. My fears don’t rule me any more. In this new life, because I have known sorrow, I also know joy. In this new life, I hope and believe, and this is the faith I cling to, that in the process of letting go and surrendering to life, this pain will be redeemed and made whole again.

To my readers — thank you for reading this post. it means so much to me. If you enjoyed it, I invite you to connect with me through the comments below and to share the post with someone who you think might also find it helpful in living with grief. You might also find my book, Grieving the Loss of a Love: How to Embrace Grief to Find True Hope and Healing After a Divorce, Breakup, or Death helpful to read or to pass along to others. Thank you again.

Featured
Loss
Grief and Love
Grief and Faith
Grief and Faith

This year, I am experimenting with an aspect of my life, which is faith. I’ve always felt a strong calling to write but been very afraid to really pursue it. When I examine this fear, I’m not sure what it’s really about. Perhaps it’s that I’m afraid my writing won’t result in anything, that it wouldn’t actually mean anything, or perhaps I’m afraid of facing myself.

Running, Walking, Hiding, and Finally, Facing Grief
Running, Walking, Hiding, and Finally, Facing Grief

A depression came on very suddenly. Perhaps it is this time of year with the holidays and constant travel — the grayness and limited sunlight of it all. Or perhaps it is that this time of year reminds me so much of Brian.

Thank you + Happy New Year + New Project
Writing, light, and hope
Writing, light, and hope

I remember why I first started to write. I was around 14 or so. It helped me make sense of myself back then. It was lonely growing up in that house. I was kind of a black sheep. Moody, depressed, and irritable. Back then emotions were felt and difficult to put into words. Over time I’ve found the words, but the original emotion sometimes becomes harder to find — lost, forgotten.

Grief and Lucid Dreaming
Grief and Lucid Dreaming

A few months ago, I became interested in lucid dreaming. Lucid dreaming is essentially where you ‘wake up’ in your dreams and become aware that you are dreaming. With this awareness, you gain the ability to affect what happens within your dreams. The more you practice this ability, the more you are able to shape the nature of your dreams.

Grief and Difficult Days
Grief and Difficult Days

Some days are really hard.

This is one of those days.

Today came out of the blue, unexpectedly, for no reason really.

Letting Go of Grief
Letting Go of Grief

Something strange happened to my grief, something that has been difficult to write about.

It faded.

I feel it much less these days.

I know it is a natural course of the grieving process, but it feels strange nonetheless.

Grief and Fear
Grief and Fear

n the beginning of my journey with grief, it was like a thick fog that went with me everywhere. It felt like I was a world away, living in a different realm, barely hanging on to this one.

However over time, the grief has lessened. My feelings about this have been mixed. On one hand, it is healthy and natural for grief to lessen. On the other, it feels a bit odd to live without feeling grief so intensely. Some days it feels as if a new person has emerged. And I must admit that I miss the grief that I once felt so deeply, as it was also so much tied with memories of the person I lost.